To internet date or NOT to internet date….that is the question….?

So way back in Feb when I was feeling the cold of winter more than I have ever done before, I decided to warm up my life a little with some internet dating. I was sitting at my friend Alan’s massive kitchen table in Crouch End and I was thinking about being single and what could I do to change that status NOT in any kind of desperation way (I am a happy singleton!), just I felt the power of taking control of my love life rather than leaving it to Venus. She has done a pretty good job so I can’t complain but the thing that lured me in was the idea that I could choose and be chosen. There was some sort of excitement in that which opened up all kinds of new possibilities and Martini’s!

So I joined Lovestruck on a 3 month deal. As my friend said to me the other day, it was a bit like house hunting….get what you want clear in your head, put enough energy into the mix, write well and you could come up trumps. She HAS! She’s met the most amazing guy and I have a few other friends who have similarly met their life partners. I read the other day that the odds of an internet dating relationship lasting longer than a random meeting is higher because you cut to the chase quicker and learn more about the other person before you have actually met. Interesting!  

There was still a niggling thought though. I’m much better face to face with people and not so much a techy girl so spending MORE time with the computer just wasn’t appealing. It would almost feel like dating the internet because I would be spending more time with it! NOT my thing.

Also, on the negative side, prior to this experience I have been built up and let down. People think NOTHING of texting a couple of lines to say thanks but no thanks,  I have been stood up twice, made to stand about in the cold for an hour TWICE and I find expectations and excitement are hard to keep under control. You really open yourself up to the most unexpected situations and people who potentially don’t have any interests at heart apart from their own.

In all of my time internet dating, I have come up against some ‘nutters’ but nothing scary,  just people who have some issues with women or who have been bitten so twice shy or just don’t like their mothers!

I have found that it’s a game that you have to WANT to play. A few white lies here and there are no harm. I even wrote to one guy after he didn’t contact me and said ‘listen, to be nice to all the dates you are letting down, why don’t you just tell a little white lie even if you hated the date. That way you are letting people down in a warm and fluffy style rather than leaving people questioning and doubting which is the WORST thing you can do to ANY human’. It makes everyone feel better unless it was an absolutely AWFUL date but even then say something positive. People really put their ego’s on the line in these situations and you can get really hurt if you are not careful.

He later wrote back and apologised and said he had a great time. Even if he didn’t, I don’t care, that’s his prerogative.  For me, I did have a great time, in fact, it was one of the most amazing dates of my LIFE and I have had some pretty cool ones. He TOTALLY ROCKED my world on so many levels.  

So what has happened over the last three months……?

First in facts………

I have dated a top Criminal Lawyer, Commodities Trader, 3D Animator, Banker and Architect.

Through one of these men I met an incredible celebrity chef who I admire and respect and am still in touch with now, I’ve had faaaaaar too many cocktails but still not enough, eaten Lambs Brains (yes, you heard that right), had a spontaneous romantic picnic in the very NORTH NORTH of London with the Shard in the distance and to juxtapose met one date in a corner shop.

I have also stood in front of my DREAM house (I am not kidding, it was MASSIVE and Georgian, with Topiary gardens) and been told the guy I was on the date with owns it!

A few more thoughts…..

London really is an incredible place and internet dating just adds another part to the adventure that you can have whilst living here.

I now think the people who go on the internet to date are BRAVE as you are really putting yourself out there.

I have a new found respect for it.

No matter how you meet people, everything is still random.

The people who click on are only as good as the people that have actually joined up to the site.

So did I find THE ONE?

I came close in FEELING (Commodities trader) and I came close in FACT (Animator) but no, not this time. I am giving it a break for now and leaving it to Venus again but I have no qualms about going back when I am good and ready.  

Don’t judge until you’ve tried it.

Sometimes even plain sailing isnt plain sailing......

*Please excuse any missing speech marks, exclamations etc but I am navigating a Spanish keyboard! 

Sometimes even plain sailing isn't plain sailing:

12^th There has been a little swell on the sea to day, & I have been very uncomfortable: this has tried & quite overcome the small stock of patience that the early parts of the voyage left me. — Here I have spent three days in painful indolence, whilst animals are staring me in the face, without labels & scientific epitaphs. — This has been the first day that the heat has annoyed us.

So even Charles Darwin had his down days........ said my mum on Skype on sunday when I was feeling a bit low..... I had flown all the way to Quito to go on a tour with a friend which was cancelled at the last minute because the son of the couple who live in Canada was too ill to come. It was one of those things but what happens when the going gets a bit emotionally tough............and to tell you the truth its been a bit tough........

WELL, I hear you say......its hardly tough Janine......

On paper, I am not working, I have given myself the gift of have three months to travel a country I love and learn spanish, experience Latin American culture and the vida loca! I have three months to concentrate on myself and my own needs..........On paper this is a DREAM.......and it is BUT when you are suddenly faced with a blank page, alone in the middle of South America, in a place where you dont know the language very well and is not that easy to travel as a single woman..........a place where hijackings happen, prostitutes approach male friends of mine, the town rapist hovers around in the corner of the nightclub looking at you, drug raids are frequent............. [mum I hope you are not reading this]...................then decisions have to be taken with consideration.......................

I am not used to this although I did once live near the murder mile in Dalston......

So why am I here and why have I had the urge to go back to basics and put myself in a massive situation of need and helplessness....

Well firstly it has taken a month to even get to the place where I can feel creative enough to even write something. Even Darwin said he missed out on animals for three days and his small stock of patience had left him.........I am mostly a very calm happy peaceful person but all plans, ideas have either gone astray, changed at the last minute or revealed themselves as little devils in disguise.........and tried my patience twofold!

HOWEVER, I have had massive expectations of myself.......

So now, after one month, I am realising that I have to take smaller steps and not expect so much so I have decided to write a few learnings from the last month that will come in handy for any new adventurer [including Darwin although it may have come a bit late for him and nowadays thank god you can get seasick tablets.....]

Step 1. Basic needs come first. HOME. Find your level of comfort, food, a good clean place to sleep, open lines of communication with the people you love and find the people here who are there for you...... WHATEVER.......this part is dedicated to my Ecuador chums.................you know who you are. THANK YOU.

Step 2. Work on plans that will happen next.......have dreams and ideas and try to stick to them but dont beat yourself up if they dont work.......

Step 3. Step up, head up high and get out there..........a friend once taught me how to walk with purpose as I was a frightened mouse when I moved to London to go to uni all those years ago. JULIETTE BEVIS...I have you to thank for this skill. Even if you have no idea where you are going, ALWAYS look like you have.

Step 4. Trust that people will help. If they dont its either their problem which is another story..... OR their lives are so busy that they dont have time for themselves let alone others. Dont blame them, maybe you need to be helping them instead....

Step 5. Laugh at yourself. Laugh Laugh LAUGH and laugh some more. Smile and SMILE more. It always endears people to you.....

A few more things....everything is relative so try and step outside of the situation you are in and see the bigger picture even if its tough to do this.

Always have hope that things are happening for the best

Expect the unexpected but dont have expectations. A friend once said this to me. Its one of those sentences that you have to feel rather than be cerebral about but I LOVE it.......

Ask for your needs to be fulfilled [both out loud when you are alone [haha] AND to people around you] and KEEP ASKING.......never stop.

Stick to the basics and trust the bigger stuff will follow when the time is right.........

So with in mind I have to bear in mind that I have moved to a new country and given up everything I know...........surely that is brave enough for me............ for now.

So what next..............well right now I am off back to my flat on a road called La Nina which feels like home because my nickname is Neen...... [remember...small things]. It's in the heart of the Mariscal and the views of the city are amazing. I have the place to myself and everything is within walking distance......a little cafe down the road attached to a beautiful handicraft museum [where I would love to work], theres a supermarket underneath for all my grocery needs, an internet cafe to keep in touch with mates and a warm and comfy bed.

Its home from home for now...........................

The Life and Loves of a Freelancer: To store or not to store.....that is the question....

The Life and Loves of a Freelancer: To store or not to store.....that is the question....: So here I am..........sat in my room on this the last night of renting Frithville (officially anyway because I am staying unofficially until...

To store or not to store.....that is the question.

So here I am..........sat in my room on this the last night of renting Frithville (officially anyway because I am staying unofficially until next sat). I haven't written for a while partly because I have been in a practical mode rather than creative whilst I get ready to go to Ecuador for three months. 

The last two days have been filled with the joys of cleaning, packing, cleaning some more, packing some more.......I think you get the picture.

You know those sliding puzzles where you have sliding squares and you make a picture by moving them around and getting totally frustrated when you have one piece at the opposite end to where you want it? Well, that's been my world for two weeks. 

AH HA! You may say. A logistical FEAST for those well endowed with logistical synapses. Mine, (synapses) however, just look at the challenge and whir up like an 80's Apple Macintosh classic computer or come to think of it my current Toshiba laptop. (Someone PLEASE crank the handle) 

It's ONLY three months but BOY what a massive amount of work has gone into assigning my possessions to: 

1. storage

2. winter needs (for when I get back)

3. rucksack for trip to Eastbourne (before I go away) to see parents  

4. suitcase for Ecuador, Costa Rica and LA (for some reason I have chosen a pink one! 

Even before I started packing, questions were being asked by the inquisitive and slight worried (and very well spoken) synapses.......

1.What does one pack for three months when one may encounter all four seasons? 

2. What does one wear having arrived at Heathrow for fives mins midwinter to prevent one freezing ones derriere off? 

3. Storage, recycling, charity shop or bin? 

('Traid' in Shepherds Bush have done really well out of me. I half expect to walk past their window display made up of ALL the clothes I have donated. I have visions of me, having to economise after my trip and FREEZING in Jan so having to pop in to buy EVERYTHING back).

So what am I feeling at this precise moment? Profound thoughts for the future? A tear for the past and the memories of Frithville? Neither. I am too tired to go to any depths other than eat, sleep and DO but what I will say is this...............why I have even considered the possibility of moving away from this area when I get back? The last few weeks have shown me that what has been started at Frithville will continue long after I leave. N and Mr K are now settled in a lovely flat in Chiswick. M is staying at Frithville and she has got two guys to move in who are lovely. A community has been started. New friends, old friends..........a network, a support system, a place to pop in for a cuppa, a place to kip when I will need it the most AND overall A HOME. 

Frithville has been an adventure on many levels (good and bad) but it has also been the start of something really really special........a legacy. I may not have a permanent base yet but I think I truly needed to learn the full impact of the saying that home is NOT just four walls and the things in it.............its the people that count the most and it's these special people I will miss the most. 

That's it folks.      

This gal needs some kip.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (nods off with finger on zzzzz).  

ANDY MURRAY. DOUBTER OR SUPPORTER?

"COME ON MURRAY!! LET IT ALL OUT!! WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!! COME ON! SPEAK! TELL US HOW YOU FEEL!"  I shouted at the TV. Total silence in the Centre Court as Andy Murray tried to compose himself enough to talk to millions of people about his day. "COME ON MURRAY!! YOU CAN DO IT'! (My poor flatmate was in her bedroom either thinking the tennis was still on as her Mac had a time delay or wondering what the heck was going on as in real time the the tennis had finished). Camera cuts to cheers of the crowd in centre court and Murray Mount/ Mound (?!!) as Andy starts to talk......

So, Federer may have won today but the above moment was today's TRUE win of the tournament.

Let me explain.........when I was 16 years old, I was 13 and a half stone. I was one was of those misunderstood teenagers aching to find an expression for my talents and skills but never quite found the right avenue and channel for them until that is, I found drama lessons and my drama teacher Mr Ryan. Now, I don't know what he saw in me but Mr Ryan had a true gift for creating environments of equality within his drama lessons. He picked those most unlikely characters for his school plays and made the quietest of them, stars overnight. I'M SERIOUS. Mr Ryan's technique with me was to ask me to audition for a character in his latest play Faust and Furious. It was a play loosely based on Dr Faustus (which was I was to come to again later on in my acting career) and my part was to be LECHERY. Week by week we rehearsed and became a solid team until one day he dropped a bomb shell that I was to wear a rubber dress AND have to seek out the Headmaster during the performance in the audience and go and tickle his bald head. YEP. All true.

You can probably imagine my total shock at this and how I thought I had been duped but there was no turning back and it was quite a controversial play anyway and everyone was in the sport of it. This crazy costume along with some madly backcombed hair, bright red lipstick and the support of my fellow actors became the making of me. For the last few months of my school term, I was seen in a totally different light and knew that if I could pull of that kind of confidence on stage, be clapped and cheered at the sheer boldness of tickling the headmaster (who himself was incidentally a brilliant leader of our school and found it hilarious) I KNEW I could find some of this buzz in my everyday life.

Now you may be wondering why I have chosen to talk about this in relation to Andy Murray?

Part of my job now is teaching public speaking and helping people find their confidence. I was given the gift of learning the positive effects of this from Mr Ryan so now I love to do the same for others. It gives me so much pleasure seeing people grow and actively changing their thinking and actions into becoming the people they want to be. The people I work with HAVE to want to do it and it is not always a success. Thankfully, I don't push people to rubber dress limits but the majority of the time I do push out of peoples comfort zones and get positive results and big smiles all round. (For those doubters, I can provide many testimonies if needed).

Now I know nothing really about the real Andy Murray (none of us do apart from his family and friends) but what I do know is that he is an amazing tennis player and has worked so hard to get to where he got to today. All you ever hear about Andy, even if he is our only British hope is negative PR to do with the way he talks and comes across when public speaking.

Today, as far as I am concerned all of that changed.

Its sooooo easy for people (lets go with this term 'The Doubters'* ) to be really negative about people in the public eye (especially in British culture) but today that man faced probably the hardest thing that he has ever done in his life, not only lose the one thing that he has been working towards his whole life but speak in public in front of millions of people about how he felt.

The series of events are as follows:
He was handed the microphone by Sue Barker.
He couldn't speak.
He was lost for words whilst everyone was waiting.........and waiting..............and waiting but what did we all do this time?
Did everything come crashing down for him?
Did we make it painful for Murray?
No.

This is what happened...........

We CHEERED and CHEERED and CHEERED, we WILLED him to speak, we FILLED that void with love and we pushed him through the painful silence and we saw the real man underneath all the bad PR. He revealed a normal young guy, living the dream with strong opinions, a capability for good sportsmanship by being so generous to his opponent who he lost to and an 'attitude of gratitude' (to coin a term of my friend Simon Jordan) to the people he loves and to the crowds of supporters that follow him.

The beauty of today and joy of today was that all the people that have given him negative press over the years were proved wrong because Murray was able to show his emotions, totally be himself, BE BRITISH and be accepted.

REMEMBER: HE IS ONLY 25!!!

From here on in, it'll be 'The Doubters' comments that are a reflection of their issues and NOT his. When he stood there and couldn't speak I wanted so much to reach out to him, stand next to him with my arm through his (just like I have done with a few young people I have helped in the past as they have done their first speaking to a group) and help push him through. I joked the other day with a colleague at work that I would LOVE to help him with his confidence and his public speaking techniques because it is something that you can learn and have a good relationship with rather than a petrified one. That evening I also had a conversation with someone who is in his mid forties and in the limelight a lot in his job and he said he hates to speak in public as well.

How many people truly feel like this? I would LOVE to know.

We shouldn't act against people at the point when in the public eye they are showing their weakness. We should support them and in these instances I would love to see 'The Doubters' who hide behind their criticism, exercise at their best for 5 hours under scrutiny of everyone, lose and THEN have to stand up and talk about it. The strong will for him to crumble really is the will of THEIR lack of confidence crumbling...........in fact maybe it's these people I should be seeking out and working with?

HEY DOUBTERS! ANY TAKERS?

BRAVE Andy Murray doesn't seem to need me any more.............:-(

*Term related (mostly) to the British Press. In short, we (the British) are our own worst enemy.